DIS' 'n' DAT

I smiled inwardly as I recognized my character's name. On the bottom of the credits, it announced that it was "A Maroon Cartoon," and the credits disappeared.

The scene faded to a humble, quiet house, with myself relaxing comfortably in a reclining chair reading the latest DIS' 'n' DAT. I was jarred from my reverie by my three nephews, Henny, Denny, and Lenny, who barged into the room with cap guns, cowboy hats, and a pet dog named Plato. These fellows raised quite a ruckus that started with the total destruction of the house, followed within five minutes by the total nuclear annihilation of the entire planet. As the planet was reduced to rubble shooting in all directions, the scene faded, followed by the fading out of the theme song.

I knew I got a sudden chill at my own dreamed demise, and was startled when the theme song started up again, and another title came into focus announcing "The Second Dream."

There I was, back in my reclining chair. This time, instead of three nephews, I had two chipmunk antagonists, Chris and Dave. I somehow managed to irritate those two chipmunks for some reason or other which was never really quite made clear to me, and within five minutes, my house had been completely destroyed (again), followed by the destruction of the planet (again).

These dreams went on and on all night; about ten every hour. The plot lines were mostly the same, with minor variations in the characters. Louie, the French Chef, made a guest appearance as he tried to help me skewer Chris and Dave; Benny the Cab attempted to take my nephews and I to a park, all with disastrous results.

I was awakened from this monotony by the most horrendous sound that I had ever heard. Just before opening my eyes, however, I thought that I noticed a writer for Disney in the background taking notes.

The noise belonged to an alarm clock, which didn't ring any bell or play any tunes from the radio. Instead, it emitted an ear-piercing siren that drove me out of my bed, out of my pajamas, and into the shower.

Like it or not, I was going to be made ready for yet another day in Toon Town.

In the shower, I reached for the knob to turn on the water. I was greeted with a loud "W - H - O - O - O - A - A - H" from the nozzle overhead. I looked up in surprise.

"Hey, there! You sure did give me a turn!" I recognized the line.

Didn't you play a doorknob in Alice -

"Yeah!" explained the spout. "They have me play all sorts of inanimate objects." He looked a bit dejected. "Not many parts for inanimate objects in Pocahontas or Lion King, though."

Well, um, could I have some water?

"Oh, sure!" He brightened up and let loose a spray of cool but invigorating Toon water. I lost myself in reverie as I showered and started to anticipate what the day had in store for me. I looked up as the spray of water ended ("Even in Toon Town we need to conserve water!"), pulled out my Toon box and pulled out a sash. I pulled on the sash and I rolled up like a window shade. The water squeezed out as the shade flapped and flapped. I reached out, pulled the sash again and was back to `normal' (if being a Toon could ever be thought of as being normal) as well as dry.

I just realized that I was starting to think like a Toon! What would be next?

Doc's voice startled me from my thoughts. "Ah, Dopey! I see you are all ready for a new day's adventures," he giggled.

Yeah. What's the agenda today?

"I thought we'd go to Little Italy and meet a few of the residents there."

Little Italy? Who would we meet there?

"Well, we could start out with a little wooden boy..."

I brightened up. Pinocchio! One of my favorite movies!

"You can always tell a first-timer here. Always star struck!" Up until now I hadn't notice Grumpy's presence. He was standing behind Doc next to Happy with his arms folded in front of him and tapping his left foot impatiently.

I thought to myself that this was the classic Grumpy pose. I regretted not being able to take any pictures.

"Well," asked Grumpy, "are we going to stay here all morning?"

"All right, Grumpy," answered Doc. "C'mon Dopey. Let's get hopping!" He turned and started heading outside the hotel room towards he elevator.

Um, couldn't we use the stairs? I asked, remembering the unforgettable ride up on the elevator.

"Oh, Dopey. Don't be such a coward!" growled Grumpy.

Just at that moment, the elevator door opened. Grumpy's outburst had annoyed me to the point that I stepped into the elevator, not noticing Happy and Doc's cries for me to stop. As I stepped inside, I could have sworn that I saw Grumpy grin.

I stood inside the elevator, and noticed for the first time the looks of dismay on Doc and Happy. Grumpy simply pointed down.

I looked. The elevator shaft was empty!

I started to plummet down the shaft, not even able to generate a decent Toon scream. Somehow, I landed on the bottom floor, right next to Droopy, who was standing on some milk cartons with the elevator control in his hand.

"Watch out for that first step..." he drawled.

I stepped out, hastily, and emerged in the lobby. At that moment, the three other dwarfs came in from the stairwell, the two admonishing Grumpy.

"You KNOW that he's not used to being a Toon yet," complained Doc.

"I'm not gonna be his babysitter!" he growled in response, and then stormed off.

We walked out of the lobby and onto the sidewalk. I heard a faintly recognizable jazz theme and turned in the direction of the music. To my surprise, a pink feline was strolling nonchalantly down the sidewalk away from me. The Pink Panther! I thought excitedly.

"C'mon, Dopey. You're going in the wrong direction!" Happy gestured with his thumb in the opposite direction.

At that exact moment, I heard the screech of tires and Benny's Brooklyn accent "Where to, Mac?" The car turned to me and said "Oh, hi again, Dopey."

                           [TO BE CONTINUED...]

Top Ten Theme Park Ideas Rejected by Disney

Top Ten Theme Park Ideas Rejected by Disney

10.

Get With The Program! Lie down on a busy road and die.

9.

The Miracle of Sponges

8.

Tinker-Toy Land

7.

The Woody Allen look-alike festival featuring the audioanimatronic Jeffrey Katzenberg.

6.

Beavis and Butthead present "The Fires of California"

5.

The Australian Chunder Challenge

4.

The Wonders of Euro-Disney

3.

Seven Flags over Virginia

2.

Worlds Largest Twig Collection

And the number one theme park idea that was rejected by Disney for its new Virginia park is...

1.

Dan Quayle Presents Artificial Unintelligence

The Euro-Disney Financial Presentation

Here at DIS' 'n' DAT, we have gotten an advance copy of the financial report for Euro-Disney and have decided to put it to music. We think it would be most appropriate if it were sung by an orange Jamaican crab...

The theme park is always crowded
In somebody else's place.
You think about going out there
But that is a big mistake.
Just look at our park around you,
Right here in la belle Francais --
There's surely no crowds around here,
But that's now how the newsmen say.

Under da floor!  Under da floor!
Madam, there's plenty
Here where it's empty.
There's space here galore!
In Florida, dey have the crowds,
In Anaheim, Fantasmic's too loud!
While here it is quiet
But no one will buy it
It's under da floor!

In Paris all the guests is happy,
As they ride all the rides five times.
The guests in U.S. ain't happy,
Spending all their time on lines!
But guests in the states is lucky,
They in for a worser fate --
There's terror and fear and danger
Getting shot on the Interstate!

Under da floor!  Under da floor!
Nobody shoot us, rape us, or loot us
To make a score.
We here in France are more refined
It's just our prices robbing you blind.
We got no troubles,
Drinking our bubbles
Under da floor!

Under da floor!  Under da floor!
Since life is slow here
No guests ever show here
At least any more.
Even the morbid and the sick
They all get bored and leave real quick.
Spending a pittance
Pushing attendance
Under da floor!

The Brits call it quits
The Yanks say "No thanks!"
The French say "It's stench!"
And spending no francs.
Snow White says "Not Right!"
And Belle says "It's hell!"
Judge Doom is the voice of gloom.
The Goof says "Show proof!"
The mouse empties house
The Duck says "We're f*cked!"
As profits they douse
The young and the old
They say "It's too cold!"
And Oh! those crowds don't show.

Under da floor!  Under da floor!
Madam, there's plenty
Here where it's empty
There's space here galore!
In Florida, dey have the crowds,
In Anaheim, Fantasmic's too loud!
While here it is quiet
But no one will buy it
It's under da floor!

Under da floor!  Under da floor!
There is no singing
Or registers ringing
Here anymore.
What do we got?  A lot of drunks?
Standard and Poore's dropped us two rungs.
Each brand new day, here
That's what they say, here --
We're under da floor!
We start to dread, here
Going to bed, here
Under da floor!
Every news story
Cutting our glory
We're spending money
But it's just not funny
We're out of luck, here
That's why we're stuck, here
Under da floor!

Future Animated Flix From Disney

At DIS' 'n' DAT, we were curious about what animated features would be released after these two. Apart from some gossip, which we love to repeat anyway, WDC has been silent.

Sequel mania seems to be hitting all over Disney, with a sequel to "Fantasia," a prequel to "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?", and something called "Silly Hillbillies" that seems to us like "Spaced Invaders Meet Jed Clampbett."

We decided to do some rummaging through our information sources, and a Disney inciter, Deep Ears, has come through.

Yes, we are told, Disney has its sights set on sequels, but the most interesting of them brings together two relatively recent Disney classics: "The Aristocats Meet 101 Dalmations."

The plot, we are told, is that Roger, Pongo's "pet" in the original 101D, moves his Dalmation Plantation to France (a plug for Euro-Disney is sure to be inserted), where they meet the cast from The Aristocats.

This is an apparently an attempt to cash in on the current success of action pictures like "Lethal Weapon," "Rambo," etc. because all of the storyboards show fur flying and characters being thrown all around. To our taste, this seems more like Disney's attempt to capture the classic Warner Brother's style from the 40's and 50's.

What other projects can we expect?

"The Little Mermaid" will have her own sequel, where Ariel and Eric become activists and start an organization that pickets seafood markets, restaurants, Sea World [apparently a snipe at Disney's competition in the Theme Park business], and other places where sea creatures are killed or shamelessly exploited. The counter movement is called "Les Poissons", and are spear-headed by Chef Louie from the original TLM movie. Although we have not yet seen the storyboards for this one, we understand that references will be made to such current events involving abortion rights/pro-life groups and AIDS activism. Ariel and Eric (accompanied by Sebastian and Flounder) evolve from peaceful demonstration to blowing up entire theme parks. The climax, we are told, will feature Monstro the Whale from "Pinocchio."

"Aladdin" will have its own sequel that features less of the main characters from the original movie and focuses on the Genie and Abu (the monkey). Robin Williams, who played the voice of the supreme sorceror in the original film, could not be reached for comment, as he was working on the promotional materials for the forthcoming video release of "Toys." We were told that this particular project is still a bit "iffy."

I am sorry to disappoint "Beauty and the Beast" fans, but there is no plan as yet to give Belle and the as-yet unnamed Prince any sequel. This may change if the current plans for BATB on Broadway gets better than expected reception.

Are you a true Disney-phile?

The following test can determine if your are a true Disney-phile. This is a trivia exam that any real Disney fanatic could answer without having to hunt in a bunch of books.

To qualify as a true Disney-phile, you need to know all the answers to the following questions. The answers are not provided. A true Disney fanatic would know if his/her answers are correct, just like asking any kid which side of a two-way street the car travels on (Shut up, you Ozzies!).

DIS' 'n' DAT Official

"Are You A Disney-phile Trivia Quiz"

1.

Walt always claimed that Mickey was "conceived" during a train ride back after he lost Oswald. What was the name of the conductor that punched Mr. Disney's ticket when he first boarded that train?

2.

Goofy, also known as "Dippy Dawg" or "the Goof," was voiced by the great voice actor Pinto Colvig. Exactly how many times has the word "Gawrsh" been uttered by the Goofster in all the animated shorts, television appearances (not including reruns), and episodes of "Goof Troop?"

3.

[Easy question to let the Wannabes get one right:] Where is the Boysenberry tree?

4.

How many grains of sand encircle Bay Lake at Walt Disney World?

5.

What is the value of the metallic content of all the Oscars, Emmy awards, Golden Globe awards, etc. that have been won by Disney films?

6.

Annette and Hayley were two of Disney's live action actresses during the fifties and sixties. Since 1957, how many children were born with the name "Annette" or "Hayley?"

7.

Who is prettier: Belle or Ariel?

8.

In the 50's Television series "Zorro," how many times was the word "Senor" or "Senorita" spoken?

9.

How many photographs and snapshots have been taken at Disneyland since it opened?

10.

What was the name of the owl that Walt stomped to death?

A Prehistory of DIS' 'n' DAT

In the mid-1930's, Walt Disney had a vision. He and his animation staff created the first successful animated feature with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. At approximately the same time, another genius had a different vision. He created the first USENET newsletter devoted to poking fun at the Disney organization. It presented its first issue electronically on January 1, 1938; a landmark achievement because the newsletter preceded USENET by forty years or so.

Even though an audience has been lacking for most of its lifetime, this genius persevered, at times risking the wrath of the Disney organization. The editor was sure that they were listening; he personally emailed copies of the newsletter to wed@disney.com, but it seemed to be studio policy to simply ignore DIS' 'n' DAT's existence.

In the late forties, it was DIS' 'n' DAT that brought up the fact that Disney had not really created any full-length animated features since Bambi, most "features" released being compilations of shorter subjects. The studio quickly brought out Cinderella in 1950. During the fifties, DIS' 'n' DAT was snubbed and not given press passes to the opening of Disneyland. We attended anyway, and our suggestion in our opening day special issue ("Really neat, but it needs a Matterhorn Mountain") was actually taken to heart by Disney.

In the late fifties, the editor thought that the Sherman brothers songwriting team, famous for the pop standard "You're Sixteen," would be great for scoring Disney features. Disney shortly picked them up for "Mary Poppins" and many other films. We mourned the passing of Walt Disney in 1966, but had pressed the company to continue Walt's work down in Florida, which became the very successful Walt Disney World (DIS' 'n' DAT was also denied press passes to opening day ceremonies).

In the late seventies, we lamented the long delays between releases of new animated features, and in the early 80's we suggested that they hire a new CEO, with the qualifications of a man like Michael Eisner. They did, and the Disney organization is thriving under his leadership, opening new Disney parks in Tokyo and France (and again, never once saying thank you by giving press passes to DIS' 'n' DAT). We persevered, and we made mention of a couple of promising composers on Broadway named Howard Ashman and Alan Menken. Afterwards, they were picked by the Disney organization to write the songs and score for Academy Award winning The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. The animation department is also ramping up to provide one or more animated features to be released every year.

Note that in April 1993, due to a bug in the issue numbering software, the counters all reset to one. At that time, the DIS' 'n' DAT newsletter found a permanent home in rec.arts.disney, and the newsletter continues to live up to its credo... "All Disney news fitted to print."

And, we know that somewhere, somehow, someone at the Disney organization is keeping a close eye on it...

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All incidents, situations, and events depicted or described in DIS' 'n' DAT are fictional, and any semblance to real life is really, you know, coincidental.

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