DDDDD IIIII SSSS ''' ''' ''' DDDDD A TTTTT D D I S S ''' ''' n ''' D D A A T D D I S ' ' nnnnnn ' D D A A T D D I SSSS ' ' n n ' D D A A T D D I S n n D D AAAAAAA T D D I S S n n D D A A T DDDDD IIIII SSSS n n DDDDD A A T "All Disney news fitted to print" __________________________________________________________________________ Volume 3 Number 2 August, 1995 Edition __________________________________________________________________________ In this issue... o Top Ten Reasons Why Disney Will Open A Park in Boston o Top Ten Reasons Disneyland Paris Turned a Profit o Top Ten Changes at ABC As They Get Disney-ized o The Top Ten films Disney Feature Animation Should Never Make o Top Ten Menu Items Rejected at Disneyland o Top Ten Reasons Why This Issue is Nothing But Top Ten Lists __________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Reasons Why Disney Will Open A Park in Boston by lar3ry gensch and Charles S. Wong __________________________________________________________________________ There has been some speculation recently in some interest of the Dis- ney company in opening a park on Boston's waterfront. After a bit of con- sideration, it turns out that there are many reasons that Disney would consider such a venture. So, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City, comes: Top Ten Reasons Why Disney Will Open a Park on Boston's Waterfront 10. Raw Sewage is SO educational. 9. People will pay money just to hear the term "Theme Paaaaahk." 8. Leftover tea from Boston Tea Party reduces concession stand oper- ating costs. 7. Will move Bunker Hill Monument to park site and install the old Flight to the Moon inside it. August, 1995 DIS' 'n' DAT Page 2 Top Ten Reasons Why Disney Will Open a Park on Boston's Waterfront 6. Disney takes over the USS Constitution and puts it on tracks as an amusement ride all over the harbor to get back for losing Disney's America in VA. 5. Celebration of recent catch caught in harbor of lobster that had tumors in the shape of a hidden Mickey. 4. Dreamworks was supposedly interested in the area. 3. All that wide open space for parking lots! 2. Location offers splendid view of lovely Boston Harbor on one side and the equally lovely Central Artery on the other. And the number one reason Disney will open a park on Boston's Water- front: 1. Got to find a use for the Dukakis AA figure that was due for Hall of Presidents. __________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Reasons Disneyland Paris Turned a Profit by lar3ry gensch and Charles S. Wong __________________________________________________________________________ Imagine the surprise in financial rooms all around the world when Disneyland Paris (Euro-Disney by any other name...!) announced a profit (of all things) recently. At DIS' 'n' DAT, we realized that some things had been happening while we were on hiatus. Anyway, we dispatched a crack team to find out what happened, and now, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City, we present... Top Ten Reasons Why Disneyland Paris Finally Turned a Profit 10. Eisner mistakenly thought it was an ABC Enterprise. 9. Female walkarounds started shaving their legs. 8. Lumiere got rid of that crummy American accent. 7. Serving wine was even more successful after the installation of Bordellos in Fantasyland. 6. Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show's new script had a different Ameri- can tourist shot every night. 5. Two words: Sparky Resigned. 4. The trains from Paris were replaced with _The Little Engine That Could_. August, 1995 DIS' 'n' DAT Page 3 Top Ten Reasons Why Disneyland Paris Finally Turned a Profit 3. Changed the name from Disneyland Paris to 'FREE BEER' 2. Saudi Arabian prince had his entire harem purchase annual passes. And the number one reason Disneyland Paris finally turned a profit: 1. They said it'll happen only when "Hell Froze Over," so Walt dropped by. __________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Changes at ABC As They Get Disney-ized as reported by Corey Johanningmeier __________________________________________________________________________ Now that the Walt Disney Conglomerate owns the ABC television net- work, a natural question is "will the programming of ABC change?" The answer is yes, there is a list of changes and I have used my considerable psychic powers to divine its contents. So, I, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City, proudly present: Top Ten Changes at ABC As They Get Disney-ized 10. _Jeopardy_, the trivia quiz show, will be replaced by _Jeopardy, Jr._, with the same format but with simpler questions to interest children and provide fun for adults. 9. _Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman_ will be replaced by _Mike and Spark, The New Adventures in Corporate Profit Wonder- land_. 8. _ABC World News Tonight_ will be replaced with _ABC's Happy Hap- penings_. 7. _NYPD Blue_, a cop show with grit and swearing and occasional nakedness has been deemed unsuitable, and will be replaced with _Wonderful Disney products You Can Buy!_ hour. 6. _Funniest Home Videos_, a half hour of people losing pants and getting smacked in the testicles with various blunt objects, is fine as it is. However, there will be a regular feature on people getting smacked in the testicles at Disneyland. 5. _Full House_, widely known as the "cutest little show on TV," will get the full Disney treatment. More cute kids and pets will be added as the family adopts in a set of triplets and arranges for lots of Dalmatians. 4. _Boy Meets World_, a largely ignored sit-com, will be replaced by _Boy Meets Walt Disney World_. August, 1995 DIS' 'n' DAT Page 4 Top Ten Changes at ABC As They Get Disney-ized 3. For the _Siskel and Ebert_ show, it has been decided to increase bonus plan payments, as "the fat one is getting feisty." 2. _Good Morning America_ will be replaced with _Disney Magic Morn- ings_. And the number one change at ABC as they get Disney-ized: 1. _Roseanne_, an extremely long running and occasionally controver- sial sit-com, has been deemed to be dead weight. The series will be cancelled and Roseanne will be offered a job as a whale stunt double on _Ocean Girl_ until her contract ends. __________________________________________________________________________ The Top Ten films Disney Feature Animation Should Never Make by Richard Wiffen __________________________________________________________________________ From our home office in 'I'll Sue' City, we present... The Top Ten films Disney Feature Animation Should Never Make 10. _The Aristo-Katz_ 9. _Ollie North and Company_ 8. _Peter Punk_ 7. _Alice Cooper in Wonderland_ 6. _The African-American Cauldron_ 5. _Dumbo and Dumbo-er_ 4. _101 Things to do With a Dead Dalmatian_ 3. _The Rescuers Do Dallas_ 2. _Snow Yellow and the Seven Huskies_ And the number one film that Disney should never make: 1. _Who Framed Roger Ramjet_ August, 1995 DIS' 'n' DAT Page 5 __________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Menu Items Rejected at Disneyland by Darren Somsen and Staff __________________________________________________________________________ [Editor's note: The following was sent to me from Darren Somsen, who tells me that his staff was very proud of themselves for this list. He agreed to forward it to DIS' 'n' DAT if they agreed to get back to work. Appar- ently, they didn't, but he gave in to them. He wishes that the credit for this list goes to Technical Support Hotline for the Wireless Telephone Jack System.] So, without further ado, we present, from the home office in "I'll Sue" City... Top Ten Menu Items Rejected at Disneyland 10. Michael Eisner Vienna Sausages - "When all you want is a little weiner." 9. Simba Scampi 8. Mickey "Mouse Kabobs" 7. Bambi Burger 6. Little Mermaid Marinade 5. Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang Chili 4. Captain EO's Kiddie Platter 3. Mr. Toad's Wild Frog Legs 2. Mighty Ducks a l'orange And the number one menu item rejected by Disney: 1. Two words: Walt Cicles __________________________________________________________________________ Top Ten Reasons Why This Issue is Nothing But Top Ten Lists by Charles S. Wong __________________________________________________________________________ You may have noticed something odd in this particular issue of DIS' 'n' DAT. Yes. We freely admit it. It's over a week late. Anyway, we've tried to make up for its lateness by increasing the number of articles that we had in the issue. Unfortunately, we couldn't come up with any idea for the final article. August, 1995 DIS' 'n' DAT Page 6 After some scratching of our collective heads, we finally decided to present, from the home office in (yes, you know the schtick!) "I'll Sue City..." Top Ten Reasons Why This Issue of DIS' 'n' DAT is Nothing But Top Ten Lists 10. Editor has difficulty counting beyond 10 without removing shoes. 9. There was a sale on top ten lists, and Editor pays bottom dollar. 8. Guess what happens when the Editor writes his articles out on toilet paper and leaves them lying around the bathroom? 7. It's hard to get an article past the Editor without mentioning Sparky somewhere. 6. Editor also seems to want to mention Mighty Ducks somewhere in the issue for some reason. 5. Editor hasn't been getting threatening phone calls from Disney lawyers about his top ten lists lately. 4. Editor is auditioning for a spot on the Letterman writing staff. 3. Editor liked the All-Song-Parody issue so much that he decided to try it again. 2. Editor's IQ is 10. Lucky number. And the number one reasons why this issue of DIS' 'n' DAT is nothing but top ten lists: 1. [Reason deleted by editor] __________________________________________________________________________ DIS' 'n' DAT is an on-line newsletter published monthly by Larry Gensch. Copyright (C) 1995 Larry Gensch, except where individual copyright is retained by the authors. All rights reserved. Anything may be reprinted in whole or in part with proper attribution to DIS' 'n' DAT. With the exception of paid commercials, all incidents, situations, and events depicted or described in DIS' 'n' DAT are fictional, and any similarity, without satiric intent, of characters presented therein to living persons, toons, alleged NHL teams, Rec.Arts Communications personnel, or Disney executives or lawyers is purely coincidental. So get a life, OK? __________________________________________________________________________ CONTRIBUTIONS Contributions to DIS' 'n' DAT are ALWAYS welcome! People wishing to con- tribute should send email to the publication at the internet address . Please state explicitly if you wish to retain copy- right or anonymity for any material submitted. The editor assumes no lia- bility for unsolicited material of any kind. August, 1995 DIS' 'n' DAT Page 7 __________________________________________________________________________ STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF / PUBLISHER lar3ry gensch REPORTER AT LARGE Corey Johanningmeier RecArts LIAISON Charles S. Wong [Editor's Note: RecArts is trademarked by some fly-by-night company on the west coast] CONTRIBUTORS Richard Wiffen Darren Somsen __________________________________________________________________________ AVAILABILITY DIS' 'n' DAT is available on the World Wide Web and may be accessed using its home page located at WEB address http:/www.tiac.net/pub/lar3ry/dnd- HOME.html using any WEB browser. The newsletter (in TEXT-only format) is posted monthly to the USENET newsgroup rec.arts.disney (r.a.d). This USENET posting is crossposted to the FidoNet Disney Echo by Rich and Carol Koster (1:390/5.10) in multi-part messages of about 100 lines each. Two mailing lists are maintained for this newsletter. To subscribe, send email to and state whether you wish to receive either the ASCII or PostScript version. The following ftp archives contain back issues of DIS' 'n' DAT: o ftp.wang.com[150.124.8.99]:/pub/lar3ry/dnd o yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au[130.194.9.1]:/pub/disney/rad/dnd o ftp.cco.caltech.edu[131.215.48.151]:/pub/disney/rec.arts.disney/crea- tive/dnd If you have site that wishes to allow anonymous users to retrieve past issues, please send email with information to . August, 1995